The Paostian Deal

Here I am sitting five Pao steps away from mi amor mayor. And just like recently, I am laden with tons of indescribable feelings.

Which should not be. Or at least according to me, it shouldn't.

If anything, I should feel happy because he's here. Not necessarily that we're together, but he's just here and I am here. Too pointless thoughts? Told you they're indescribable...

And now he's playing and singing along to one of the saddest songs in my vocabulary, Biglaan by local band 6 Cycle Mind. It's a song about losing something as valuable as life so abruptly, something like losing a fight you didn't even know was already up. Oh for beefskates, here, just to make my point, are a few lines:

'Di ko man lamang nalaman na mawawala
(Nabigla lang)
'Di mo man lamang naisip na idahan-dahan
(Nabigla lang)

Oh yeah, it gets better in the second verse (virgin hearts listen up):

Hindi ba natin kayang magkunwari,
at sabihing 'sige na lang'?
Hindi ba natin kayang dayain ang mga yakap,
sa tuwing lumalamig?

Such a delightful song.

But Robbie, the forgiven but never forgotten queen of denial, and a friend, says it's already more than too much that I even listen to and extremely like songs like that. That I'm already "very sick" and that there is very little hope that I can be cured.

That I am not who I am anymore.

Really?

So tell me, Robbie, your diva-highness, is it time that I go back to my emerald throne up there? And forget about these feelings?

Robbie, is it really time to go back to not living?