The Paostian Deal

I just got back to my feet from a ruined night. ANOTHER set of neighbors was it again: This time it was a straycatfight which sounded like a primer to the looming March 15 boxing shit-haha from up my room. At half past 1AM. Which hurled me to a few theories:

1. Our power- and sanity-challenged subdivision, left with the choices to either self-destruct or send its ridiculously many canines to other villages to spread rabies and gossip, is currently experiencing a regression to the Ice Age. And it is threatening to stay there unless the residents at least manages comprehension of time and tact.
2. All this time our house has been surrounded by Nazis-on-a-sex-diet and we had no idea.
3. Had we gotten an anaconda for a pet 20 years ago, we could have trained it to be an aggressive burglar alarm and let it hangout on the roof after midnight.
4. Had we gotten a dragon for a pet before the anaconda, I could have tied it by the gates, thus a constant warning to dimwits planning to spread idiocy. (Chicco suggested sending the dragon into the neighbor's caves and let it sneeze a lot. But then my beloved pet would have been exposed to barbaric attacks, and so I'd gladly do the cremation myself.)
5. We're in China and there's a national ban on... F4.
6. Marian "Marimar" Rivera--who's allegedly allergic to dogs, and yet cuddles with one in her Thalia rip-off every other night--still refuses to raise her voice pitch. People confuses her for Sergio when they aren't looking at the tube, and they simply can't accept the humiliation from that grave mistake...
   
7. Erap supporters are so jealous of Rodolfo Lozada Jr. and the attention he's getting from nuns (video here) that there's an uproar demanding a re-enactment of the former prexy's exit from Malacañang back in 2001--with nuns, Manny Pacquiao and the Zaido.
8. There had been secret boinking between their children and the brothers fighting two weeks ago and there's only one biological girl in that group.
9. Other creature's tempers go crazy wanky when I'm hungry and/or doing something worthwhile.
   

Wait, that's it! The last time the neighbors tried to slit each other's throats, I was starving... and watching Maging Sino Ka Man. Last night, my tummy grumbled when I reached page 49 of my new book. And both time I was in my bedroom! Woah.

Page 50.

--

Suddenly I know what my Chinese New Year Resolutions are. I never thought I'd be needing them, and now apparently I do. And this is a first, as I'm not Chinese as opposed to what linear minds readily conclude whenever they hear my name:

I will re-think my eating habits and make sure I schedule my hungry moments away from our house.
I will avoid being productive when I'm in the subdivision. Which can be good, as it consequently means neglecting household expenses.
To be extra sure, I will read odd-number pages faster than I do evens.
On the next brawl I will tune in to FM radio to experience more the cosmos's unrivaled humor (read below).
I shall invest on a digital voice recorder and a new digicam. So everybody will know I'm not bluffing.
When a stranger asks for my name, I will say Rasputin.

--

Then the recount of usi's:

Chicken's asshole 1: Sabi ko nga sa kanya, "Lumaban ka, lumaban ka!"
Chicken's asshole 2: Kung ako gu-ma-non, kasi ibig sabihin hindi na ako lalaban, suko na ako...
Chicken's asshole 3: Kaya nga ako gumitna na ako. Sabi ko, "Anokaba hindi na lumalaban si Macky! Kung gusto mo ako na lang ang suntukin mo!"

Some silence. Presumably they were in a here's-what-we're-gonna-do huddle. Then...

C. A-hole 1: Sabi ko nga sa kanya, "Lumaban ka, lumaban ka!"
C. A-hole 2: Kung ako gu-ma-non, ibig sabihin hindi na ako lalaban, suko na ako...
C. A-hole 3: Kaya nga ako gumitna na ako. Sabi ko, "Anokaba hindi na lumalaban si Macky! Kung gusto mo ako na lang ang suntukin mo!"

I went to get some bread downstairs, climbed back to my room, and...

C. A-hole 1: Sabi ko nga sa kanya, "Lumaban ka, lumaban ka!"
C. A-hole 2: Kung ako gu-ma-non, ibig sabihin hindi na ako lalaban, suko na ako...
C. A-hole 3: Kaya nga ako gumitna na ako. Sabi ko, "Anokaba hindi na lumalaban si Macky! Kung gusto mo ako na lang ang suntukin mo!"

At the exact same time, I swear, Whitney Houston's Try It On My Own played on the radio. It's true, the Philippines is the happiest race.