27 February 2006

small letters

it feels good. but it only feels good.

i can't even cry because it's not right, because i'm not allowed to.
i have had you where i wanted you to be, but i can't even look at you and actually breathe.

i hate it when "normal" people burden themselves with something that should be anything but a heavy, difficult thing. they have it, and they are free to live it. i simply don't understand why they're wasting the treasure i'd do anything to have.

unrequited love is surely tiring.
QWERTY-ed by Paoper at 08:15 | 0 said something  
in:
15 February 2006

My precious hands

I've always liked my hands. Not as much as I love my crowning glory, though, but I like them still. Like having a pet.

I write with my right hand. From that you can say that I do pretty much everything with my right hand: combing, waving, dialing the phone, carrying small objects, eating, touching other people, covering my mouth when yawning or laughing like mad etc. She's like an unsung hero. Ever dependable, despite her showing veins--prolly because she overworks sometimes. She's still pretty, though; and man, when she dances, she does it well.

My left hand is a little darker and leaner. Having the supporting role, he is usually relaxed, but not at all useless. He likes having fun and at times be a little too carefree a soul, yes, but he can be very caring too: giving his counterpart a little massage when she gets tired, holds her close when she gets cold, supporting me when boredom tries to knock me off... He may not be a good dancer, but he's still cool.

All of this must sound crazy to you, me talking about my hands like they're real people. Well you can't blame me: I practically grew up with them. They have known and seen everything there is to me, and hiding shit from them is one of the last things I could dream of. That is almost the same as saying, they're all I got.

Well, in reality, they are. People have come and gone in my life. My hands have been there every single moment...

I really like my hands. They're as good as having beings you call "best friends"--beings who enjoy life with you and help fight your battles when you can't go solo anymore.

I do not have actual best friends anymore. I lost my third and probably the last one seven years ago. My hands were also friends with that person....

Right now, I am once again inches away from yet another loss. It has yet to happen, but I am already sad. On the other hand, I am also too tired to bother experiencing utter sadness. So, maybe for now, I'll lay off it and just let my hands do the crying...
QWERTY-ed by Paoper at 12:48 | 0 said something  
in:
13 February 2006

V. V!

A prologue. Naturally you won't find me writing about Valentine's in a sane state. I even kind of coerced myself to write this entry.

Then why are you writing?

Because my V date (well, yeah) is a little stupid that he won't notice a satire if it bites him in his youknowwhat.

Really?


Yes. I'm a slowpoke magnet.

No, really you have a date? Tomorrow, of all days?

Did I stutter?

========================================================

I wanted to babble on how in-love I am right now. But instead, let me just share something I found in some other's blog. (I'm SO TERRIBLY SORRY I FORGOT to note the URL. Promise I will post it as soon as I find the blog again.)

It's entitled No Ordinary Morning. You may find it ironic, since it's a little sad. But when I read it, together with her pain I found a little more "love" in her voice. I may have gotten it entirely wrong, but I always give more weight on my understanding based on my instinct. And right now it's reminding me, being in-love and all, that I'm risking so much with what I'm doing...

I hope you like the poem. (Err, it is a poem and not an old song, right? Pardon the moron.). Enjoy Valentine's, people.


No Ordinary Morning

If there was nothing that I could say
Turned your back and you just walked away
Leaves me numb inside I think of you
Together is all I knew

We moved too fast but I had no sign
I would try to turn the hands of time
Then look to you for the reason why
The love we had passed me by

And as the sun would set you would rise
Fall from the sky into paradise
Is there no light in your heart for me?
You've closed your eyes, you no longer see

There were no lies in between me and you
You said nothing of what you knew
But there was still something in your eyes
Left me helpless and paralyzed

You could give me a million reasons,
change the world and change the times
Could not give me the secrets of your heart
and of your mind
In the darkness that surrounds me now
there is no peace of mind
Your careless words undo me,
leave the thought of us behind.
QWERTY-ed by Paoper at 16:27 | 0 said something  
in:
10 February 2006

[[for documentation purposes only]]

igetit,youandican'tbetogether.orshouldn'tbetogether.butican'tjustwalkaway
fromhowifeel.lyingdoesn'treallygetmeanywhere.andidon'twanttodeny
thetruemeaningofmysmiles.atleasttomyselfidon't.
iloveyou.
sayingitfeelssogood.knowingandacceptingitfeelsgood.butiamhuman.iamno
painproof.nomatterhowharditryijustcan'tbefreefrompain.
andistilloveyou.longhaveideprivedmyselfofthatfeeling.themomentihaditiwas
excitedandterrifedatthesametime.yetiwentonandembracedit.
likeasofthandgrippingathornyrose.
itoldmyselfiwouldneveraskanythingfromyou,usingmyheartasanexcuse.ididn't
knowitwasn'tgoingtobethateasy.
iloveyou,andallofcreationknowsiwanttobewithyou.butsometimesitbecomes
toopainfulthatialmostwishi'dnevergonedownthisroad.
iloveyou,buttheothertruthseemstobestrongerthanthat.iloveyou,yetnomatter
whatido,nomatterhowmuchihope,youwouldneverlookatmethewayiwouldwant
youto.iknowican'tcomplain,soifiseemtobesonowpleaseforgiveme.
onedayyouwillhearthesewordsstraightfromme.youreyeswillnotreadwords
anymore.butihopeyourheartwilllisten.justlisten.becauseitwilltakememore
thanalottolookyouintheeyesandletmyheartspeak.
untilthatdaycomes,knowthatiamhereforyou. iloveyou.
QWERTY-ed by Paoper at 15:36 | 0 said something  
in:
09 February 2006

The PaoVinci Code

February 7, 2006, around 1 p.m.
Unit 201 Cattleya Condominium, Makati City.

================================

REGIONAL SALES MANAGER: (Walks into the room) What are you reading?

THE CUTE PAO: (Eyes the disturbance, lifts the book to reveal the cover that reads,
"The Da Vinci Code)

RSM: Hah! That's heresy! (Complete with glaring conviction.)

TCP: (A little dumbfounded, but completely casual.) Uh, I'm just reading...

RSM: (In a kind-of-challenging tone) Naniniwala ka naman?

TCP: (Scoffs. "Go away.")

RSM: (Tries to stay calm, fixes his belt.) Kungsabagay, diyan siya sumikat [Dan Brown]...

TCP: Yeah. ("Please go away.")
QWERTY-ed by Paoper at 23:05 | 0 said something  
in:
08 February 2006

I took a detour and this is what I got

I usually leave the house for work around 7 AM. For 18 months now I have been part of the morning road--in all its dullness.

I simply want to avoid the hideous traffic. A public transpo is not really my ideal sleep spot. Besides, my entire life has been led by 5-AM school bus pick-ups and 7:30-AM class lectures; I don’t see why joining the workforce should be any different.

The routine would be: I prep up, step out of the house, take a tricycle to the village entrance, ride a jeep to the shuttle terminal, take a shuttle to Greenbelt 1, then a six-minute sprint to my office table.

Doing things the same way all the time, every time is indeed tedious. I needed to shake things up a little bit, if only to slow the aging process. And since I have yet to assume director-ship of our office company, I am forced to find excitement somewhere else.

But where?

I turned to one of my neglected opportunities: Sightseeing. And luckily (well, not really), the shuttle’s route to Makati has been altered lately due to some heavyweight construction in Pasay. Hence, new, uh, sights. And here, my friends, is where I found an early victim.

The EDSA-Pasay area has many detours. It’s like the Juggernaut’s circulatory system there. Because of the road construction (and probably the sudden growth in street alligators a.k.a. police people), both public and private vehicles from the south take these detours going to the cities north.

The sight was too obvious to pass. We take this street just past the Philtranco bus station, and there along the bumpy, soil-road, lined up like they were being sold, are babies. Cute, tiny, and of course, innocent, babies. Or is the proper term, clueless?

They were being bathed in the sunlight, I presume. It is for their proper growth: early morning sunlight provides Vitamins A and B, and as new, growing creatures of this planet, babies need them. However, it seems they are getting more than what they bargained for.

Their carriers--presumably their parents or guardians--were also, well, aligned like they were the babies’ auctioners. Absentmindedly “rocking” the young ones like they were fidgeting and--wait for it--while gossiping among one another. And yes, the sun’s rays are a feet away--the groups are safe under the houses/buildings’ shade.

Cars, tricycles, buses, trucks, and what-have-you snake through that road. That virgin road—that is, no asphalt or cement covers it since it probably wasn’t intended for such use in the first place. So what do we have now? Nothing but good ole carbon monoxide mixed with road dust.

Looking around--and I do not mean any form of discrimination--I also see the other grown-ups surrounding these infants. Teenagers running around, yelling bad words like they mean “hi and “hello”. Mothers publicly yelling at their kids. High school students smoking. Half-naked men with unkempt hair and dangling earrings casually looking around. Probably haven’t taken a bath, too.

Forgive moi. I am not degrading on how those babies were being brought up, let alone who are bringing them up. It’s just that we’re already screwed as a people, but apparently its implications hasn’t hit us hard enough that we neglect proper care for the younger members of the society.

Those babies. The hope of tomorrow. Exposed daily to dust, vehicle smoke, gossip, and Tarzan wannabees with earrings. What a bright future indeed.

Them stupid cats

This morning, along the National Airport road en route to the office, I saw a rather disturbing scene despite it being quite a commonplace on the Pinoy streets:

A dead cat.

No.

A mangled body of a dead cat.

No, wait.

A mangled body of a dead, stupid cat.

I felt, in such order, pity for the cat, indifference towards the vehicle’s driver who unknowingly killed it, and much resentment to the poor animal’s stupidity (I’m talking about the cat, silly).

I started calculating: If a cat dies on this road every other day (remember when I said it’s common on the Philippine kalsada?), and there are about a minimum ten-thousand roads in the Philippines, then we’re looking at over a million and eight hundred thousand dead cats each year. Wait—over a million and eight hundred thousand dead stupid cats each freaking year. And that’s only a cat per road per given day—excluding those allegedly mixed with Chowking and Hen Lin’s version of sandwich.

Why do they keep on dying senselessly like that? Shouldn’t their unlucky predecessors who suffered the pointless fate have taught them better already? What ever happened to Darwin’s theory of adaptation? Kudos for their bravery in crossing wide city streets, but come on—seven thousand years of death and still nothing is learned? All your friends who wrestled with moving wheels died! What is wrong with you!

Fine, they do have lower intellect than us humans. Fine, it’s not their fault humans could care less to do something about cats dying like that. And fine, feline reflex is apparently not that great.

But what about the Philsports Arena stampede last weekend? Weren’t the poor victims—dead and injured alike, and pardon the next few, uh, expressions—just as stupid as to cause something so tragic?

A friend’s friend’s mother said the tragedy arose from people’s indescribable want to escape poverty, to have a better life. Wowowee promised a mind-blowing 2-million cash prize that day, plus four jeeps and 40 tricycles. With poverty seemingly impossible to eradicate, not to mention, lessen, from our country today, it’s no wonder thousands of Filipinos made February 4 a Sabbath day. For wealth, that is.

I’m not going to babble on what causes that unsung national symbol. Poverty has long ravaged the way of life physically, mentally, and emotionally here in the Philippines. Because of that, the people’s minds and sentiments went crooked. Insane. Corrupt.

There are several accounts as to what caused the stampede. One says the crowd became unmanageable simply because of its magnitude. Another says a security personnel, on realizing that he opened the wrong gate for entrance, closed it quickly just as hundreds were running towards him. And yet another story tells of somebody yelling something about a bomb attack, therefore causing tremendous panic among the attendees.

Here’s my friend’s friend’s mother’s theory. The people were already losing their tempers because of the hot weather and the looong line. Punches followed yells, riot followed the punches. All hell broke lose. Three hours later, 60 corpses were found.

A crying lady interviewed on television said in the vernacular, that they attended the game show’s event because “life is hard”. Because they needed money.

They still need it.

But it all seems pointless now, judging by the pain and regret shown by her tears. She lost someone. When such loss hits humans, some form of selflessness and non-earthly attitude slowly creeps back into their systems. My daughter is dead, what in creation was I doing?

Yet again, when you think about it, they were all still dense. They let their insatiable want for money—fine, for a better life—get the best of them. We are sometimes this pathetic. And these times are sometimes fatal.

Now the government puts up another show and acts like they care for the poor people, when all this time they should have been working together in finding a cure to the social cancer that is poverty instead of pushing one another off the edges. Rich bastards feeding off taxpayers’ money. The big time robbers, never to be caught. Cats playing good, but beats a rabid, stray dog to the core.

Let’s not hope for a better life here in the Philippines anytime soon. Not while the cats here are still stupid.
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