25 February 2008
Spiderweak
There's a good reason why Spiderwick's supposedly-satisfying filling is so light it sends you afloat because of nearly-boredom: To save you from a series of downer events that would have pounded and pounded on the skull and probably left you underground for the rest of eternity.
Like putting up with a brother that thinks 8:45 is 9:00. When he has no gas left and the gas station he loves is three blocks directly opposite the road to the cinemas. When he still has a girlfriend to fetch from inside a wormhole of a subdivision. When he tells you a cousin is joining the bunch but he is still some 40 minutes away and the opening credits are already running...
Like being held up by a scene where a crazed man points a gun at another pathetic loser on the last crossroad to the mall which was only less than a kilometer away. So much for keeping cool on a weekend--because your car is stuck right in front of the ruckus and you're petrified because you might miss all the movie trailers and a bullet could hit your forehead any moment. It's true, the mental block you experience when confronted with such instances. The nearest similar shit I remember was when another crazed man--covered in blood, presumably beaten by civilians for a crime--ran amok with a knife in his hand in an ER of a hospital where I was helplessly wasting an afternoon because a classmate was too stupid to hug a sparking live wire in a Science fair. That was high school, and I so much as forgot to run when I was right by the door and the bloody hound even strode to my left on his way out. I was thinking of how to fry the classmate should we survive the fuss at those moments, but last night my and our nosy, noisy anger management-challenged neighbors' lives were in a fast flashback in my peripheral vision while staring at that black gun (and that moronic police person who did nothing as he watched the scene on the sides himself).
Like circling a seemingly peninsula-ic mall because the brother drops you off on the wrong side of the continent and you have to run like a rabbit to reach the freaking ATM then the ticket booth before they both close. I swear, it was like Amazing Race meets Survivor meets 911. Not. Fun.
Like going to the wrong venue because your friend forgets to tell you they were in the new branch 35 subdivisions away and it's midnight and the car has already sped off because the girlfriend needs to be home by 1.
Like enduring a jock itch episode of a bunch of menopausal hags suffering extreme cases of Me Attitude, who mistakes your laughter as an insult when it was entirely not, which eventually became about them and their dire need to get laid by Meralco posts.
Spiderwick promises a colorful fantasy adventure (well, at least to the kids), but halfway to the flick you begin to believe that if this is the best expansion the screenwriters could come up with, then you can scrap the book series off your To Buys. (Then you cry: Aren't there any mermaids? Ghosts? Gnomes? Where are the dwarves? Baby dragons? The effing unicorns???) Good acting from the protagonist family, but I liked the smartass pacifist Simon-honest angry Jared (twin?) tandem best. Cuuute goblins. Icky and noisy on the side, but still extremely cute. See? Trying to be scary but firmly stays in La La Land. Spiderwick only almost had the same impact of the most imaginative diary of a teenage drama queen, thank goodness, otherwise--also remembering the unfriendly personnel of Alabang Festival Mall who should all quit now rather than pester everyone with their constant need to go home--I'd be in a coma right now. I want my three goblins.
Like putting up with a brother that thinks 8:45 is 9:00. When he has no gas left and the gas station he loves is three blocks directly opposite the road to the cinemas. When he still has a girlfriend to fetch from inside a wormhole of a subdivision. When he tells you a cousin is joining the bunch but he is still some 40 minutes away and the opening credits are already running...
Like being held up by a scene where a crazed man points a gun at another pathetic loser on the last crossroad to the mall which was only less than a kilometer away. So much for keeping cool on a weekend--because your car is stuck right in front of the ruckus and you're petrified because you might miss all the movie trailers and a bullet could hit your forehead any moment. It's true, the mental block you experience when confronted with such instances. The nearest similar shit I remember was when another crazed man--covered in blood, presumably beaten by civilians for a crime--ran amok with a knife in his hand in an ER of a hospital where I was helplessly wasting an afternoon because a classmate was too stupid to hug a sparking live wire in a Science fair. That was high school, and I so much as forgot to run when I was right by the door and the bloody hound even strode to my left on his way out. I was thinking of how to fry the classmate should we survive the fuss at those moments, but last night my and our nosy, noisy anger management-challenged neighbors' lives were in a fast flashback in my peripheral vision while staring at that black gun (and that moronic police person who did nothing as he watched the scene on the sides himself).
Like circling a seemingly peninsula-ic mall because the brother drops you off on the wrong side of the continent and you have to run like a rabbit to reach the freaking ATM then the ticket booth before they both close. I swear, it was like Amazing Race meets Survivor meets 911. Not. Fun.
Like going to the wrong venue because your friend forgets to tell you they were in the new branch 35 subdivisions away and it's midnight and the car has already sped off because the girlfriend needs to be home by 1.
Like enduring a jock itch episode of a bunch of menopausal hags suffering extreme cases of Me Attitude, who mistakes your laughter as an insult when it was entirely not, which eventually became about them and their dire need to get laid by Meralco posts.
Spiderwick promises a colorful fantasy adventure (well, at least to the kids), but halfway to the flick you begin to believe that if this is the best expansion the screenwriters could come up with, then you can scrap the book series off your To Buys. (Then you cry: Aren't there any mermaids? Ghosts? Gnomes? Where are the dwarves? Baby dragons? The effing unicorns???) Good acting from the protagonist family, but I liked the smartass pacifist Simon-honest angry Jared (twin?) tandem best. Cuuute goblins. Icky and noisy on the side, but still extremely cute. See? Trying to be scary but firmly stays in La La Land. Spiderwick only almost had the same impact of the most imaginative diary of a teenage drama queen, thank goodness, otherwise--also remembering the unfriendly personnel of Alabang Festival Mall who should all quit now rather than pester everyone with their constant need to go home--I'd be in a coma right now. I want my three goblins.
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